Ok friends, it's time for the post you have been passionately awaiting (hehe) for months. Girl Scouts camp. I said a boom-chick-a-boom.
This is a (delayed) continuation of my previous post entitled "Life Edits." Over the summer, I had a series of new life events that radically changed my perceptions of myself. You should read about my trip to Paris and then come back to this.
20 hours after I took my final exam for Paris May Term, I started a brand new summer job. I'll be honest: the turnaround time was rough. I literally finished the exam, hopped in a car, boarded a plane, landed in Colorado, drove home, unpacked, repacked, said hi to Mom and Dad, tried to sleep for 2 hours, actually slept for 1 hour, woke up at 5 AM, and drove 2 hours to Girl Scouts camp. Thank goodness they had coffee and yummy breakfast available when I got there.
Besides the hurried nature, it was incredibly hard to see my home for the first time since March and immediately leave it. It was a lot like getting one potato chip and THEN being told you can't have any more. I get it -- I'm in college and I have to grow up -- but that didn't make it hurt less. I was denying the familiar for this abstract concept of "adventure." In case you haven't been getting your literature on lately, "adventure" doesn't always turn out well (Bridge to Terabithia, anyone?). Sure, the worst adventures make for great stories... but not really for great experiences. Everything in me was crying out to stay home and make French toast with my mom and cuddle with my adorable puppy... but there was another voice too that said, "You'll never know until you try." I was conflicted, I was more homesick than ever, and I was exhausted.
Still, as I sat down next to Tick Tock and Emerald (camp names are so fun), I was overwhelmed by the hospitality of everyone around me. I could tell most of the counselors knew each other already, but that didn't stop them from talking to me. Tick Tock jumped into service mode and activated my watch (just think about the coincidence of that for a second), Twinkle showed me where the bathroom was, and Cream gave me the biggest hug in the history of ever. They didn't even judge me when I told them I had no clue how to start a fire. That's true Girl Scout acceptance right there.
Regardless of their non-judgmental attitudes, though, I was still judging myself. Sad truth: I like to pretend like I have my life together. I like to know lots of things, and I especially like to know more than everybody else does. Incompetence is the worst, most shameful feeling for me. And here I am in this job where I have no idea what I'm doing and where reading a book isn't really going to help me out. Trust me, I tried reading the staff manual under my sleeping bag with my flashlight while everyone else was asleep. I didn't know how I was going to shake the feeling of "Oh my gosh I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know why you hired me."
Over the course of staff week, I shook off a little of my incompetence. But that's not what this post is about. Shaking off incompetence doesn't help us improve, it just makes us unnecessarily feel better about ourselves. Embracing the incompetence is what truly makes us stronger. It's weighty, but it's worth it. The first week with campers taught me to do just that, but not really by my own choice. What could go wrong did go wrong -- from bee-stings to illnesses to freaking terrifying thunderstorms to total meltdowns. I learned to keep on keepin' on with a smile and a song because if I didn't laugh, I would cry. Most of all, I learned to ask for help. I learned to admit to myself that I don't know everything and that I don't have to be the best -- I just have to be better than I was before. It unleashed an undiscovered side of me -- the super fun, goofy, can't-care-won't-care side. I led units about Scottish dancing when we all know dancing is not my forte... and my arts and crafts were totally ridiculous. But the campers reveled in that side, and I did too. Being bad at things never felt so good.
Eventually, I learned to build a fire and to prevent 8-year-old meltdowns. I was a master at coming up with impromptu entertainment for the campers during awkward breaks. I even drove through the mountains to go home for the weekend in the dark without cell phone service... and 5 hours later, safely arrived... That's a story for another day. I had friends that made camp not quite home, but pretty darn close. I was feeling good and I realized how cool 8-year olds are. The best week of all was the last week. I didn't have high expectations. My birthday was the Sunday the campers arrived and for the first time I wasn't celebrating with my family. I had a pep talk with myself: "One last week. Make it the best. Prove yourself. They deserve it, and you deserve it." I was determined to be a high energy, low stress ball of wonder for 22 campers enrolled in Deep Space camp. Let me just say... best. theme. ever. We played glow-in-the-dark capture the flag. We made moon pies. We planned a space mission. We drew the planets to scale. And even in my lack of all things craft, I taught them to make alien-protection hats which we wore collectively to the dining hall.
The thing about camp that makes it so magical is that everything falls into place when you let it. You smile a lot, you sing until your lungs can't handle it, and you play games like it's your calling in life. You're open to new ideas, plans, and stories. 8-years olds understand that competence follows learning, learning follows wonder, and wonder comes when we stop stressing about every tiny little detail. Life happens, but whether we follow it or wallow in our perceived incompetence is totally up to us.
Besides that, camp was the one thing in my life that wasn't about me. It was about something so much bigger. College is so self-based: getting good grades, advancing my skill sets, learning about my opportunities. It's exhausting! At camp, it's about 200 imaginative, loving, intelligent girls. One of the most impacting moments of my life was when a camper with hydrocephalus (an intellectual disability caused by abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid in the brain) was about to say good-bye. With big tears in her eyes, she told her mom, "I don't want to go home." She clinged to me and sang farewell camp songs. Her mom whispered appreciatively, "Thank you." That moment was more beautiful than getting an A any day.
I'm so glad I took that risk and endured the 5 AM morning... it means I got to spend many more 5 AM mornings with the most amazing people influencing the most amazing future generation (cheesy, but true). I couldn't be more appreciative.
Aaaaand 24 hours after I finished my job at camp, I left to go back to college. Quick turnarounds should be on my resume. Read about that in my next post... I like to keep you on your toes. ;)
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