The College Halfway Point

The other day, I was checking a girl into her residence hall room as part of my RA job. We were casually chatting when I decided to ask her what year she was... to which she replied "oh, I'm a junior"... to which I replied, "Wow, you're halfway done with college!"

And it took me a minute to realize what exactly the words plummeting out of my mouth meant.

Let's review the facts:
1. I have completed two years of college.
2. She has completed two years of college.
3. She said she was a junior.
4. That also makes me a junior.
5. That means I'm halfway through college.

Say whaaaaat? When did that happen??

It's weirding me out so much to think that I am that person -- that super old junior -- little first-year Angela looked up to not-so-long-ago. Or at least, I'm making progress toward being that person.

I came to college anxious, but I didn't come afraid. (Look at the blog I posted right before moving away for the first time!) I was willing to brave this new corn-filled state, new classes, and new challenges without a second thought. For a long time, I thought my bravery was enough. If I showed up and made it through, I had accomplished something.

Largely, that's true, and I am incredibly proud of the strong perseverance I hold. But what I failed to realize then was how much confidence and passion play a role in cultivating dreams. Showing up, and even showing up and doing your best, isn't enough. You've gotta put some heart into it. You've gotta show people that you care about what you are doing: that it's not just a thing you do, but rather the only way you can do your thing.

Sometimes, that passion means disappointing people. It means letting some things go so you can hold other things tighter. It means prioritizing. It means spelling things wrong in an email every once in a while so you can spend an extra 5 minutes playing the guitar you've dreamed of playing since you were 10. It means waking up early on a Saturday morning -- even though you are exhausted -- so you can volunteer at a community clinic (and not just to put it on your resume). It means knowing what you want most, even through the noise of everybody telling you what you should want.

For most of my first two years, I didn't understand that. I felt so bitter and confused about why I was working so hard (and in my mind, harder than a lot of other people) and still feeling like I wasn't valued or trusted as much as my classmates. I absorbed myself even more into my work -- into my grades, into my jobs, into my "duties" -- to prove my worth to myself. And even after 14 years of school with straight As, even after successfully juggling four on-campus jobs alongside sorority and club commitments, even after all the special projects and extras, I still felt like I had nothing to show for myself. Talk about burn-out.

Things are still pretty unclear, and honestly, I don't think that's going to get better any time soon. We're told from the time we are little to "follow our dreams," but we're not exactly told how to figure out what they are in the first place, let alone how to pick which ones to follow. It takes a lot more than pixie dust. Day by day, though, I am learning how to listen a little more to my heart. I am learning to feel the difference between satisfaction and contentment -- satisfaction is only temporary, but contentment is deep and longstanding. I should do those things that will keep this fire of passion burning within me for longer than the four years I am here. Those will be the dreams that last.

So, yes, I am halfway done with college. But who's counting? Passion isn't on a schedule, and there's no due date. That is the only fact that really matters.

:)